i put my job above God.

hey homegirls, it’s ya gurlll (if you remember me).

it’s been a while, and life’s been a bit all over the place soooo keeping up with the podcast has been put on the back burner. but i'm back and this episode will explain.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my job and the drive i've had for it – especially with goals like saving for a house (gotta love adulting).

the real issue though, is that I realised i’ve been putting my job before EVERYTHING – even God...

and if i'm honest, it’s SO easy to let work take over and turn it into an idol, especially with how society tells you you gotta be earning 6 figures by the time you're 30. (so not realistic btw)

in this episode, i dive into...

• how i’m learning to balance ambition with my faith
• realising my job isn’t my real purpose
• letting go of control and letting God lead

basically, this is just a brain dump of where i'm at and how God’s challenging me to rethink things. 

i pray this episode gets you thinking about the idols you might not even realise you've made in your heart... KNOWING that God is greater.

Transcript

0:12

If you saw this notification come up on your phone and you rolled your eyes, girl, I get it. Because where have I been? I don't know. I do know, and that's kind of the point of this episode. But you guys have a right to be mad. I've said this for so long, I've, like, gone back on it so many times. But, like, I'm really grateful for those who stick by me because I'm constantly getting convictions and I'm constantly ignoring them. And I think this time it's not really an ignoring. It is. And I'm not going to try and make myself, like, seem better, but it's like I, I've put my priorities wrong and I've thought that my priorities were right and that's why I've not been on here. Yeah. And this episode, I'm just going to go straight into it because I am not about to give a pity story. I think God is really convicted me recently on what I'm doing, on my purpose and the mistakes I've made. And I'm here to share it with you real time. Because even if you're not in the same situation as me, I really pray that you get something from this. I pray that this gives you a, like, relatability, like, you're not the only one. And B, I pray that it shows you how merciful our God is and how caring and how intentional he is. Despite our setbacks, despite our mistakes, despite our disobedience, God is still good. And he is so good for me and for you. So I, the title says it all, in my opinion, put straightforward. I put my job above God. I made an idol out of my job, which is kind of hard to say, if I'm being honest with you. And I kind of want to preface this by, like, a punch to the enemy and a punch to the world systems. Because why? I mean, I know why. Like, we need money to survive. Like, I'm not saying that we don't. I'm not saying that we shouldn't work hard. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be ambitious. But why is there this narrative and not even why there is a narrative, because I get why there's a narrative for, like, dreaming big, working hard for, obviously, the legitimate and wholesome reasons. Like you want to provide for your family, you want to be financially free, you want to achieve what God has called for you, yada, yada, yada. But the other flip side, which I would say is like the fleshly side when it comes to money, greed, power and materialism. I have been, and I'm continuing to be slapped in the face with how I let that take over. And if someone said this to me even a month ago, that that was what was doing or that was what I was about to be doing, because I'm not saying that like I was some next, I don't know, blue collar worker that is like money hungry and like steps on people to get to where she wants to be. I'm not saying that, but I was on the peak of and I was technically letting the world systems and the world's ways in terms of work, in terms of money and goals just consume me to the point of unhealthiness. And I think like, I want to start this podcast by just a little bit of conviction for everyone to really have a think about what and who and where they're getting their morals and like life view from. Because I don't know, I just think that I have never been a greedy person, but I think I've let the idea of having a successful career really become the forefront of my life. To the point where I've forgotten what else is important and that you can still have a healthy balance like I did. I lost that balance because I was like my whole life was surrounded by work and what goals I wanted to achieve and getting my head down and really like striving towards the next big thing. And, you know, this isn't to like and just a forewarning. I am not quitting my job. This is not what this podcast is about. But I think it's just God's really shown me that when he talks about being far above principalities and powers, he's not just talking about being far above sickness, being far above depression, being far above anxiety, being far above sin. When God says that, he talks about being far above any power that has any hold on you, to the point where you forget that he is victorious, above it all. So when I'm looking at my job and I'm seeing that as a source, and I'm looking at my job and I'm seeing that as providing me comfort and stability and focus, and that being not a resource, not at all, not an avenue in which I can be a disciple of Christ, but as the source, that's when it becomes a problem. And I want to give you guys a little bit of a background of kind of like my job and just like being transparent, really, and like how I think I got to this place. So first things first, I am a senior marketing executive at a recruitment company. I've been working there for two years. I literally just hit my two year anniversary. I've been working in marketing now for just short of three years in the sense of like job, like a career set, like nine to five type career. Marketing suits me to a t. My job suits me to a t. I love my job. Like, it's nice. Like, I don't have like a massive corporate branding, like, towered over me. I kind of get a lot of creativity. Well, full creativity. I choose what goes out, I choose what strategy we're having, I choose how people present themselves on LinkedIn, and I do the blogs and I do the websites, I do social media. I basically do everything visual in the sense of our company, and I love it. And I do really believe that God has given me a talent to do those things. I really believe even now, despite my convictions, I believe that God has me there for a reason. And I don't think his time for me there is up yet because I do really believe that I'm learning so many core business skills that are just for life, you know, like you will never. When you have a good experience in a company and you're able, like, I literally work directly with my directors, I sit with them, I talk to them, they're constantly giving me career advice. I'm being able to give my input. And when you have that experience, like, wow, like you, in my opinion, working at a company where you can sit with the top, you will have business acumen to take you for a lifetime. That you will have that forever. And I'm really, really, truly grateful when I say this job is outside of the basic stuff like giving my life to Christ and having a great family and meeting my boyfriend. This is the biggest blessing outside of all of that stuff, the biggest blessing when I was doing YouTube and girl, don't ask me, people will always say, oh my gosh, I know you from YouTube. You haven't done videos in a while, girl, they'll ask me why? I don't know. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. We're just about getting back into the podcast, so pray for me. I don't really know when that's gonna be, but besides the point, I did a video about how I got my new job, which was this job, and how it was like for me, the best miracle I've seen face to face with God in the sense of how depressed I was in that previous job, how unfulfilled I was, how I didn't have any creativity, I wasn't using my skills to having to apply for a job that I genuinely wasn't qualified for. People who were in the marketing industry for five years are also going for this job, feeling like the only reason why I got the salary that I was at and my previous role was out of a pity salary because they were afraid of letting me go. So will I be able to get that salary or more? And I ended up being able to sidestep, which was a blessing, and to be able to get great training at a job that I was not qualified for. And I remember when people used to say it, like, christian circles, like, God is going to give you a job that you're not qualified for. I'd be like, that doesn't even make sense, because when I'm applying for marketing roles, they're all saying, a degree required your girl. I always say I'm uneducated, but as a joke, I am very educated. I am a good addition to the working world. I am a reputable human being. But I did not go to university. And for me, that was really hard when applying for a job, because how are you meant to get a job when you're 20 years old? You're technically. You're not even at the age where you should have finished uni yet, so you're instantly applying to be the youngest applicant and to still land that role when they say university degree is, like, a preferred option was such a blessing. So, you know, I'm not taking away from any of that, and I'm not taking away the fact that I am so passionate about my job. But I think looking back now, the reasons why I got to the place of, oh, my gosh, this job is like my roman empire type vibe. Not only was I passionate, am I passionate, I'm still passionate. Not only am I passionate about it, having a nine to five job is like, for some people, and I thought this before I started working nine to five, that it is like the bottom tier human experience. Like, working in nine to five, you're officially captivated by capitalism. You never be able to break out of it is actually the devil, you know, like, you're owned by an employer, you don't have rights, blah, blah, blah. I used to think that I was very much, like, anti capitalism in that sense. Like, I was capitalist in the sense of, like, I want my money and I want to work for my money, but I was, like, being owned by a company. Absolutely not. But that's, you know, my 18 year old mind speaking. And I have tried many business ventures from that age which I'm grateful for. I don't take back at all. But it was all out of my fear of, like, if I go into a job, all creativity is gonna go. And it did in the first job that was ghetto. So ghetto, I hated it. But finding this job really made me think, phew. Working nine to five is kind of cushy. Like, it's kind of nice. Like, I'm getting frequent pay rises. I I don't know. God. God has blessed me. God has given me so much favor when it comes to work. And I know people always say I'm hardworking, but I always give it back to God, because you could be hardworking and not be good. And I really, like, sometimes I even look at what I've done, and this is not even to be, like, showy off. I am grateful that God has given me the skills that he has given me to be able to progress in the way that I have. And that was like, a. Oof. I'm kind of seeing not just money signs, but stability signs of, like, if I keep going how I'm going, I keep working how I'm working, I'm gonna be truly financially free. I'm gonna be able to. Well, right now. Which was, I think, the thing that got me into the mindset that I did in terms of, like, leaning on my job far too much. So me and my boyfriend are saving for a house, and ideally, we'd like to have bought that house a decent time before we're married so my boyfriend can live in that house, and we're not having to sort out getting a mortgage, sorting a house deposit whilst planning a wedding. So there was a lot of things, and there is a lot of things that we're both working towards in the sense of financial stability and being able to save the right amount needed for starting our lives young. You know, like, I'm 22. Naz is 24. Naz only started his career a year and a half ago. After uni, I started my career two and a half ish years ago. And we want to get married, and we want to do big people stuff, like get a house, save for a wedding, go on honeymoon, and still have money left over to, like, live. So, for me, that was, like. That has been my number one focus. Saving has been my number one focus. I have done really well, and I'm really grateful. God has made me a frugal girly, because I do not spend money very easily. I am very much, like, right, this is for my future, and I'm grateful to God for that then it got to the point where, because I was only getting that money from my job and I knew what opportunities were out there for me to continue to progress. I was putting in not just time, because I never want to say that, like, you should not work hard in your job, because at the end of the day, you are still there as a disciple, and you are still there to show that you have the light of Christ within you. So hard work and integrity in your work is really important. That's something that I really stand by. Do my bosses a good job, because when they look at my work, I want them to think, wow, like, why is Elodie like that? And for them to be, hopefully have a seed sown, that the reason why she's so professional, the reason why she's so kind, the reason why she's so hard working is because of the God that lives within her. So I would never say, like, you know, don't work hard on your job, but in the sense of the emotional distress that I put myself in, that I am putting myself in, that I'm like, girl, like, this is, this is too much. You know? And that's not to say that, like, I shouldn't care about my job, but to the extent that I was, it was becoming my life, thinking about work 24/7 thinking about how I'm gonna progress. When's the next pay rise gonna be, when's the next promotion gonna be even planning to the point of, like, okay, I want to be at this level before I have children, but I still want children within this timeframe. So I'm really gonna have to work my butt off to get to this point so I can have a nice maternity leave, so I can have an assistant under me, so I can come back and start the whole thing again. Like, I've been thinking so forward, and I'm grateful that I have a company where I can see myself there for that amount of time, but it's gotten to the point where I have planned my whole life around this job and not my job around my life. Like, it's become like, I live to work, and that's never something that I've wanted to do. And I think kind of alongside that, even outside of the monetary value that my job has given me, it's a, it's opened up a new side to me in the sense of having that influence in the workplace at such a young age is something that is nice. Like, it's nice to have a voice. It's nice to have a say. It's nice to have your thoughts and opinions valued not just by your colleagues, but by your bosses. And it's like, wow. Like, I'mma just keep going because I'm a get there and I'm gonna be able to have control, and I wasn't gonna, like, bring it back to that yet. But, like, when you think of it, when I think of it, and I know my heart and I know deep down, whilst I do want to get to a high point out of just a love for my job, I think there were certain periods where I wanted to go so high out of, like, approving to myself and, like, approving to the world in the sense of, like, I can do this. I was worthy. I worked my butt off and got here despite a degree. And I think, like, for me, the degree thing was always, like, a big thing for me, because not everyone, like, agrees with it, not having, like, university educated qualifications. And for me, like, getting to that place where it's like, oh, I got there without a degree. See, I can still make money. See, I can still get to high places and have that influence and have that control. Do you see now how it's leading back to not the most genuine reasons? Like, if I'm willing to progress just because I love my job, just because I know that God has given me this talent and this gift to reach certain areas. Yes, that's great. To be an influence in the workplace in a godly way, that's great. And I don't think I ever wanted to be an influence in a way that wasn't godly. Not at all. But I think I got to the point where, like, okay, you're being a little bit too self centered with this. And then even with ambition as well, I think, like, I got a newfound ambition. I'm not saying that I was never ambitious, but I was ambitious for the things of God. Like, in terms of, like, my first understanding of, like, since being saved, of what I wanted to do in life, it was to preach the word and not necessarily in, like, a pastor scenario. I actually taught in church for the first time the other day, which was a bit scary, to be fair. I was gonna do it as a sermon by actually as a sit down interview with my pastor. Thank you, Gareth. Because I was stressed out, I was like, I can't do this. I was like, to my mum, I'm literally having a panic attack. Like, I can't sleep at night, because the thought of me having. Even though I'm literally sat here podcasting, no one can see me. Like, if you saw my hair right now, it's not great. Like, I'm. I'm cozy. I'm not having to, like, speak in front of people. If I need to edit it, I can't edit it because it's already gone in your ears, you know? So I actually did it as, like, an interview format and it was really good. But, like, that type of stuff alongside podcasting, YouTube, like, all social media type stuff. And, like, speaking. I've always wanted to do speaking, even though I can't even get up on my church platform. But God will deal with me. God will hopefully give me a. The confidence at some point to do that. But stuff like that was what I wanted to do. That was what I saw my purpose being. That was what I was striving for. And then when I started this job, it was like this newfound ambition to be, like, a businesswoman and to really, like, make moves very early. Being a boss, babe, whilst having the kids, whilst having the husband, doing it all, you know? And it was to the point where I wasn't even really thinking about kids like that. And if I did, it was like, oh, I'll put them in childcare. Oh, they'll go to my mum's house. Oh, like, and this is not like a judgment to anyone. Like, if you want to go out and work, girl, like, God is going to equip you to do that and do that very well. But for me, this was like a new thing that I think it was overdone and I hadn't really thought about, okay, like, this is what I want to do now, but, like, planning my whole life around it to the point where I'm becoming so emotionally invested in it. I got to the point where I was like, I'm not sure now. Like, you know, like, I'm kind of thinking about. And it's something that's been in the back of my mind for a while and I've even cried about it in the sense of I'm starting to get, like, quite maternal feelings. And no, I'm not pregnant. And no, I'm not trying for a baby. No. Do I want a baby before marriage? No. You know, all those, all those questions that you're having, do not be concerned. Your girl is in a very godly relationship that will not be happening for a while, so don't worry. But still, I don't know. Like, I'm. I don't know. I don't know where it's come from. Maybe I'm just growing up and I'm like, I want. I want a baby. I want to be a mother. And recently, I think it's only really come up from seeing my boyfriend thriving in his job. And, like, girls, like, when your man is ambitious, oh, my gosh, it is the most attractive thing ever. Ever. When I tell you, I just. I just melt a at the thought of, like, Naz just thriving in his job, being able to provide. And, like, I saw this video of Lisa Bavair today, actually, and she was talking about giving your husband the room to make mistakes in order for him to lead. And she said, you know, because he was like, this is going to pee a lot of people off by you saying this. A lot of women off. And she was like, I would completely understand if they were peed off as a result of me being a weak woman who just likes to get run over by her husband, doesn't have a voice. She's like, I'm a strong woman, and I'm a strong woman saying this. I'm a strong woman who's been humbled enough to know that my man deserves to lead. And I was like, clap, clap, clap. Because if you spoke to me, even when me and Naz first started dating, because I even had to talk to my friend about this in the sense of, like, I'm finding it really hard for Naz to lead because I am a leader by default. I've always been. I am bossy by nature. I'm very red and direct. And don't get me wrong, God has his uses. He's obviously made me like this for a reason. But I. You know, sometimes. Sometimes the devil can. Can use what God has gifted you and, like, make it a million times more arrogant. And I think in a relationship, it's really easy to do that when you are a woman, because, oh, now I actually have to have a man that leads. I have to have a man that is the head of the house, does make the decisions, is the breadwinner. When I want to do that, I want to make the decisions. Because you're not going to make them right, because that's actually what I used to think. You're not going to make the right decisions, Naz. I'll do the right thing. I have my ambitions. Don't get me wrong. I always wanted Naz do well, but I never envisioned him because I was so focused on myself and what I wanted to do in the career that I wanted to have. I never envisioned him really just taking ownership of not just his job, because obviously it can be flipped in what I was just talking about, about, like, having the control and being obsessed with, like, ambition and, you know, letting go of God's purpose for you. But seeing Naz thrive in his career with the purpose of glorifying God like, that is incredible, because for me, like I said, in the sense of a nine to five job, my job suits me perfectly, but it is not my purpose. It is equipping me for my purpose. But I believe now, and this is something that I've been slowly convicted on over the last, I guess, uh, secretly the last six months, um, but overtly the last week, in the sense of, this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, even though I would love to. Like, I love my job, but, like, I know that God is calling me elsewhere, whereas with Naz, this is. This has been his passion. Like when, okay, when I was seven, I was sat with my mum's iPhone three G's recording blogs. I know that God has given me that gift. And when I became a believer, I know that he was giving me that gift for the sense of actually glorifying him, I guess, openly, because we can glorify God. Like, I'm glorifying God in my job, but I know that God was calling me not just to use my marketing skills, but my speaking skills, because I didn't know anything about tech. When I was logging as a seven year old, I was speaking, and God had given me the gift of speaking, and I'd even had prophecies about me, preaching about me, speaking about me being on stage. And obviously, this is all before YouTube was even a thing. And, you know, even before I adapted to technology, I knew that God was calling me to use my mouth. Yes, I'm using my mouth in a podcast. I have a microphone in front of me. I have my. My podcasting software in front of me. But it is my voice that is equipping me to use those things in a way that glorifies God. So, yes, my marketing job is of value, and it is giving me that business acumen in order to do what God has called me to. That's not my purpose. However, when I look at Naz, he was sat with his grandma. Like, he told me how he would sit with his grandma and watch, like, interior shows or, like, you know, I forgot what it's, like under the hammer or something. I don't know what the tv show is called where they buy that. They bid for those, like, run down houses and do them up. And that was always something that he was really, really passionate about. And when I hear him speak about what his future goals are with interior. I didn't actually say what Naz does. He is an interior designer. He does interior designing as a freelancer, and then he works part time as a showroom assistant in an interior company. Well, it's like a material company, but it's interior. It's that type of vibe, you know, when I hear him talk about what his vision is to use that for the future, you can just see how God breathed it is. And it is so amazing to see him not just be doing well, because don't get me wrong, it's nice to see a man doing well, but being happy and being fulfilled and knowing that he's using his gift. Because one thing I would say, I am talented in what I do at my day to day job. Nine to five, your girl's got talent. I know what to do. I know how to make things look good. I'm constantly improving. But I wouldn't say that I'm using my gift right now. I'm using my gift, and I know that my gift is my voice. And I've had, like, I could even get emotional about it because I've had so many prophecies surrounding that. And I know deep down this is what I'm meant to be doing, but I haven't been doing it. And I'll explain later because I'm kind of going ahead of myself, but in the sense of with Naz, seeing him thrive, seeing him work towards what God has called him to do, I would start saying, as a joke, can't wait to be a housewife. Obviously I'm joking, but, like, loki, I'm not joking. And, like, this is not to say that I believe that my purpose is, like, limited to children. That's not what I'm saying. But it started to get me thinking of, oh, do I want the corporate life forever? And that was hard for me because your girl was, like, making money and she's doing well, and she's able to have this influence that is easier, because when I look at, you know, the things like stability and, like, fulfilling your ambition and salary and influence, that is far easier done for me within the confinements of a nine to five job. So when I start relating myself and my skills outside of that, like, oh, what if one day I don't work in corporate? Because I started to get the feeling like, do I want to work in corporate forever? And obviously, as I was saying, the maternal instincts are kicking in. I think, like, seeing my man be a provider in that sense and having that desire because, like, don't get me wrong. When I met Naz, we were both broke. But then I was. I had a job, and Naz was still broke. So I've seen Naz go from broke broke to where he is now. And I didn't give up on him, obviously, because I saw that he had such ambition. So I'm not saying that. To say that, like, oh, because my man earns money now, he's worthy of being my boyfriend. That's not why I'm saying he could work at Burger King for all I care. But if he's got an ambition that aligns with God's purpose, hallelujah. But seeing him walk into that, like, going from not really knowing exactly what he wanted to do and then going back to what he knew that God has called him to do and, like, getting a job in it, thriving, having his ambition for what he wants to do. Like, as we get older, um, seeing him in that manly position, I don't know, like, it just made me, like, feel more feminine. Now all of a sudden, I'm thinking of kids. Now I've got babies coming up on my TikTok every two minutes. Now I'm saving, like, Instagram reels of, like, top ten breastfeeding tips, and your girl's not even pregnant. But it just. It's just made me very maternal, and I don't know if that's a biblical thing. I guess it does make sense. Like, like, when you see your man taking on the leadership role, you. You instantly, like, you have this. Even when you fight it off, which I did, you start to get this submissive feeling. And I hate that word on how I know people are going to perceive it. I don't hate the word. I love the word because I know the true meaning of the word, but I know people are going to be like, girl, like, this is not giving off, like, independent woman vibes. I want to say this, actually, independent woman vibes. Is that a godly thing? Because first and foremost, we are dependent on Christ. Second of all, what is wrong with having a level of dependence on a man who, you know is dependent on Christ? If God is the head of him, and this is scripture, I don't know what scripture talks about. How the wife is covered by the husband, the husband is covered by Christ. If I know that my man is fully submitting to God and constantly growing in his understanding of Christ, I'm going to feel all the more comfortable letting go of trying to be like him. And this is not to say that women shouldn't be career driven because God calls people into different spheres in a variety of different ways. But for me, I think I was taking on something that wasn't for me and that was hard to admit because I've come so far in my career and I'm not quitting. But it's like, okay, my mindset's changing about it now. Like, oh, I'm not looking at it as being this, like, hugely long term thing where I'm going to be working there until I retire or working there to have an early retirement, be able to raise my kids whilst I'm working kind of do it all type thing. And, like, God's convicting me otherwise, but he's convicting me to not let my dream die. Because when you make something an idol that you know is settling for less, you're just going to constantly feel less, less than stressed, overwhelmed, confused, and you may have it all together. Like I did. Like, I had my plan, I had my life plan. I had the plan from now all the way till retirement. I knew how much money I was going to save. I knew what age I was going to have my kids. I already understood my maternity policy. I got it all, I had it down pat. And that might give a temporary sense of security, but I can tell you now, I was constantly riddled with, like, but I want to raise my kids. And I know that God's calling me to do my podcast. And I know that I haven't posted on TikTok for very long. And I know that God's calling me to use my voice. And I know that whilst God has gifted me with the ability to do marketing, I know that he wants me to pair it with openly and boldly and unashamedly, talking about God's glory, talking about how people can truly surrender and the beauty of surrendering to Christ, talking about my testimony, helping young girls have a role model that I didn't have. These are all the things that I have felt so deeply on, but I've shoved them down because I wanted comfort, because I wanted to feel like I had everything together. But I just always felt like there was something missing. I always felt like it's not that I'm disobeying God at the time, this way through, it's not that I'm disobeying God. I'm just prioritizing what needs to be done to be a normal citizen. And I think that's another thing in the sense of how people will perceive me for being different. And I think, especially with me, not going to university. My mum has had countless conversations. I have had countless conversations. I have experienced, people have constant viewpoints of how I went about my career. And even now with me doing marketing and it not being like the typical role that people understand, I would say that, oh, I do marketing. Like, huh, okay, so giving the side eye. And I've always felt like if I can just prove myself and I can make it in the business world, and I can have like an amazing salary with an amazing benefits package and an amazing pension and be like LinkedIn, top voice type vibe, maybe people will, like, leave me alone and see me as someone who's really made it in the world. And again, do you see how self centered that is? And do you see how that is not going to fulfill me? I could make people's jaws drop with how successful I could be in my career. But does that mean that I'm doing the Lord's work by having revenge? In a sense, it's not revenge that I went bad for them, but it's like, ha, I showed you. That's not biblical. That's like anything but biblical. That's not humble. Because when you think of Jesus when he came down from heaven, he was born in a mangere. It was dirty, it was smelly, he was surrounded by animals. It wasn't glamorous. He was raised as the carpenter's son in Nazareth, which wasn't, you know, the most high esteem place God could have had the viewpoint of, let's show off to the people, give them what they want. I'm gonna have Jesus come to earth on a mighty horse as the savior of the Jews, and he's going to be so high and mighty, and he's going to, like, not be able to have anyone talk to him. People are going to bow at his feet, and people are going to submit to him, and people are going to go to hell because of their disobedience, and they're all just going to feel so overwhelmed by Jesus, blah, blah, blah. He could have had that viewpoint, but Jesus came to serve. Jesus came to love. Jesus came to forgive. He did come to save the Jews, but in a very different way than expected. He died on a cross. He was mocked, he was beaten by the very people that he came to save. And I have the audacity to say that the way that I want to do life, out of my desire to show people that I'm good enough, I'm gonna stay in a, in a career that I don't believe that God has called me to. I'm gonna work towards this stable, normal way of life. Because I fear people's thoughts of me for not doing something that's normal. And that's why I've held it off for so long, because I feel like it's a waste of my time. I might as well be doing something better with my time. And that's just not. I know that's not what God thinks for me. I know that my God is so much more intentional. I know that you're so much more loving. And I know that he is so much more worthy to be praised, worthy to be served, worthy to be looked up to than any human being. And it's funny because I have had such conviction recently surrounding idolatry. And it wasn't really in as the word idolatry, but every time I got into prayer, every time I got into worship, every time I got into my word, I was constantly feeling like God was pulling on, like, a few ideas of alpha and omega. God is Alpha and Omega. He is king of kings. He is lord of lords. He is above principalities and powers. That whole thing that God is seated above earthly things. He is seated in heavenly places, far above anything of the world. I was constantly having these thoughts and these words going around. And I was in church the other day and I even did a TikTok about it. And I didn't necessarily know what the conviction was, but I had the conviction. I shared the conviction because I believed that it was going to be of value to other people. But I hadn't quite worked it out for me. I've been like, okay, there's probably something that God is saying here. I'll figure it out. What am I idolizing right now? I'll figure that out. I'll figure out what I'm putting above him. Because when I figure that out, it'll be great. Don't know what it was because I don't think there's anything particularly obvious in my life that I would be having an idol for. But I was open, you know, might be something. And it was only the other day I was talking to my boyfriend and it hit me that that was what I was idolizing, and it was my job. And what the sad thing about it was, as I was putting God below my job, making an idol out of my job, idolizing something that could go any minute. Like, when you think about it, like, I pray that doesn't happen, but I could get made redundant at any point. I could lose my job at any point. That happens. Like, that's why God does never want us to put such importance on physical things because they could be gone in a second. That's why he says to have no other gods before me, because those gods are lowercase g, meaning that they can fall, meaning that they do not have authority, meaning that they can move about like the wind. Whereas my God, capital Ghdem, he's the creator of the world, the creator of you and me. He is never changing. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He loves me eternally. So much that he sent his one lonely son to die on the cross for me, for me to have life and have it abundantly. Live life to the fullest, live life in a way that is transformative, live life in a way that is truly of peace, of hope, of love, and allowing me to be an ambassador for those people. And as soon as I put something above that, I'm saying that God's purpose for me isn't good enough, or if it is good enough, I don't have the faith to believe that it could be good, as good as what I'm doing right now. And one thing that I remember a lot, and I don't know why I have not remembered it in this particular scenario, because I'm thinking about it now, and I'm thinking, I don't think I've thought about that in relation to this scenario, but I was reading a book, a Joseph Prince book, and he was talking about someone in his church that was getting, like, had this really good job, getting loads of money, but he was constantly stressed and overwhelmed, but he was, like, applying for another job or was offered another job or something, and he wasn't gonna take it. And because he was like, you know, quite happy and where he was and probably quite a cocky in a way of like, oh, I can have this job, and I'm doing really well. And God really convicted him and was like, I want you to let it go for the sake of me. And he was like, oof, that's kind of hard. So he left the job and he got this other job. Turns out that he's earning more money than he was before. Not that I believe that God is just about prosperity. And that wasn't the only, that wasn't the main thing that was touched on. It was the fact that he was far more fulfilled. He was able to really showcase God's love a lot more in this job. He was using the skills that he wasn't able to use in the previous job, and he had better work life balance for his family. And I remember reading that and thinking, wow. Like, the money thing didn't even hit me as much. I don't even think it hit the guy because he was well off. Like, he didn't need more money. What he needed was stability in his life and he needed to let go of seeing his job as an idol. And I think now, and I think, like, if I give this over to God, I have to trust that he has far better for me than I can ever imagine. And I was sat on FaceTime with Naz, sort of talking through my frustrations, but then it turned sort of into a revelation and I started crying, and, like, I cry all the time, but, like, I cry especially to Naz. And I was like, Tim, I don't know why I'm crying right now because I'm not even on my period. But clearly God's moving. And I was like, I just can't imagine giving birth to a beautiful child and giving that child away for other people to raise my child, having to go back to work. And obviously there are people that have to go back to work, I get it. But I didn't want to choose to go back to work. And that's where it hit me. Like, this isn't actually what I want. If it's a necessity, fair enough. But this isn't what I want. And I think it hit me of, like, I have been so focused on me, myself, and I, and what I wanted to achieve in life and I've not thought about, when I bring a beautiful baby into this world, I don't want to leave it. I don't want to be so focused on reaching the top that I forget about my children. And this is just like my conviction. You have your own conviction as to what God is calling you. It might be that you climb the career ladder, but God is just going to change your mindset in that and allow you to have more time with your children. It might be like me that God is calling you to eventually not pursue your job as much as you are right now. I don't know. You know, you need to be open and humble enough to let God give you his specific word for you. But that, for me, really hit me. And I know that was the reason why my mum left her job. She was in a really good job. She worked in direct line in insurance and she was a manager. And she looked down at me when she'd given birth and maternity leave and thought, I don't want to leave this baby. I don't want someone else to raise my baby. And for a while, like, when I was, you know, doing really well in my career. I was like, oh, that's her conviction, bless her little heart. I'm glad that she raised me. But as for me, I really want to do my career. I'm okay with dropping my kid off in the morning, going to my job, seeing them when I get home, doing the whole cycle all over again. And for some people, that might be completely fine, but for me, like, it really hit me, I don't want that. But then there's a fear of, like, will God be able to provide for me? And that's where the problem is. And out of all of this, what I realized was not only was I idolizing, I was having a faith problem, but then, isn't idolizing a faith problem if you're idolizing something and you're seeing that as being the source, you don't believe that God can be your source. Amma, just stay silent right there, because I know there's. Even if it's not in relation to career, it's relation to something else. Whether it's menta, sex, drugs, whatever it is, you know, I always talk about, like, the worst things. It might be something else. It might be, I don't know, Netflix, you know, it could be anything. And there's no shame in anything. Regardless of what it is. There might be something that you're thinking, oh, I'm definitely. I'm putting that above God because I don't have the faith to accept that he actually has more for me. And it's scary because with a career, you can sort of see your progression moving forward. You can sort of give yourself a timeline. I should be able to hit this salary by this time. I should be able to get to this job title by this time. You can even work it out, like, very easily because you're in a nine to five, so there's just consistent income, and you can kind of figure out how much you're going to be able to save by this period. So it is scary, like, taking that leap to think, okay, maybe that's not what God wants to me. And for me now, it's like, okay, it's not what God wants for me. I know that God has something else for me. I know that he has a purpose for me. I'm gonna have to get myself in that mindset. I'm gonna have to gracefully let the dream die. And that's not to say that I'm not grateful for where I am right now. As I said a million times, I'm so grateful. But it's like, am I letting the future prospects that God hadn't even said okay to overrule my entire life? I don't know where I will be when I'm sat here five years time. I don't know whether I'll still be working. I don't know. I don't know when things are going to happen now. And I think for me, I've always been such a big planner, always wanted to know exactly what I'm doing, exactly what time I'd had my life planned. So it's very scary for me to think, oh, that might not be where I am now. Like, it's hard to let go of. But I think it was in last Sunday's sermon, I think, where he was talking about how God sometimes doesn't give you like the whole roadmap, he just gives you one direction and you have to be obedient to follow that one direction. Baby, you light up the world. Not that one direction, just one direction by God. But I do love that song. Um, but, yeah, I feel like that was a really, oof, hard thing for me. And you might be thinking about something right now that is hard for you as well. But I want you to know that God has your back. He knows what you want, even if you don't know it yourself. Just stay obedient. And as for me, I'm staying obedient. Yes, I'm staying in my job because that would be stupid. I haven't had the inclination to quit. So as for right now, that would be very silly for me to do, but I'm not going to let that become my identity. And I think that's been the problem. I've identified myself with my job, whereas if I identify myself with Christ, my purpose will flow from that and I won't get that same, oh, I'm so controlling over what I'm doing because I'd be giving it back to God every step of the way. And I think one thing to note as well, you may be in a place sort of like me, wherever you're not exactly where you know that God has called you to be. Don't knock that, because I look now, and without this experience, I probably wouldn't have the mindset and the ability to get to where I'm going to be. Like, I obeyed God with that step, but that doesn't mean I have to stay on that step forever. Like, God's going to call you to that step for a time and he's going to take you somewhere else. And I think it's completely fine. And there should be no shame about that. Like, rejoice for where you are right now, but don't hold on to it to the point where you miss what's coming, because I know that God has something coming for you. I know that God has something coming for me because he is a good God. He is a fruitful God. He's not going to let you stay in a situation that bears no fruit. But, yeah, this is a long one. But it was worth it. I liked it. I liked chatting with you guys. I like kind of getting out what I feel like God was calling me to say, and we'll do this journey together. You know, I think that's a beautiful thing about being in the body of Christ. Even though I don't know a lot of you face to face, we are still under one body and we are still all encouraging each other through the hard times. There's such a temptation with christian culture to pretend like you have it all together until you get to the point of breakthrough, and then you can tell your most depressing times or your hardest times, your most confusing times didn't all make sense because you don't really want to be open about that when you're going through it. Obviously, certain things that, like, obviously, you might want to keep private out of your own conviction and your own privacy and whatever, but there's certain things that, you know, we need to not be ashamed when we're going through. And regardless, no shame. We should not be at that. Shame is not your portion. Shame is not my portion. Guilt is not your portion. Only godly conviction that's leading you to repentance. But I can understand people keep some things private. But as for me, I don't. I just. You know what? I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna be honest because there's someone else going through this right now, and I feel like God is like, you have a voice and use it. People aren't gonna flock to me over my perfection. They're gonna flock to me out of my imperfection as I glorify God's perfection. And that's what I want to do. But, yeah, I'ma call it a day. I'm gonna eat my food because your girl has only really had some guacamole and crackers today. I love avocado, but it wasn't filling enough. It was a snack. And your girl needs to eat more. But I love you guys. Have a blessed week. And I say in the name of Jesus, I'll see you next week because right now? I don't know. But I'm gonna surrender to him and I'm gonna be obedient. You know, I've even made myself a journal just for the sake of this, because I'm holding myself accountable. And I'm praying that I am accountable. And pray for me as well. We'll pray together. But, yeah. I love you. God bless. And I will see you next week. I'm prophesying it. I'll see you next week. Bye.