when discipline becomes self-righteousness

hey homegirls, this episode is a REAL one.

i’m getting honest about something that’s been on my heart lately – how discipline, when not rooted in God, can slip into self-righteousness.

i delve into my personal journey of rediscovering my purpose, especially in content creation, and the challenges i’ve faced trying to balance my discipline with my faith.

here’s what i talk on:

• the struggle of relying on my own strength vs. God’s
• how fear and pride can sneak into our efforts, even when we think we’re doing the right thing
• the tension between being stressed out like martha and surrendering like mary

i also talk about how the Holy Spirit has been working on my heart, reminding me that success in God’s eyes isn’t about numbers or output but about obedience and trust.

if you’ve ever felt frustrated when things don’t seem to align – even when you're working hard – you’ll definitely relate to this one and gain some perspective 💕


here are the scriptures i mentioned in the episode...

scriptures on seeking God:

• Matthew 6:33
• Hebrews 11:6
• 1 Chronicles 16:11
• Jeremiah 29:11
• Matthew 7:7-8

scriptures on purpose

• Romans 8:28
• Psalm 138:8
• Pslam 57:2
• Ephesians 2:10

and see below for all information on 'SOUND OF HOPE' the movie, it would be amazing if you went to watch. let's get behind christian entertainment - the more we watch and support - the more impact and opportunities it'll have. 

we live in a world so full of God opposing and God mocking entertainment so let's make the most of the opportunities we have to support a God-driven movie 🎥

https://soundofhopemovie.co.uk/

Transcript

0:11

Hey, homegirls. I'm Beck. How y'all doing? Another podcast episode. I'm so excited for this one. I really believe that God has really been tugging at my heart on this particular subject, and I'm really excited to share with you guys. And as always, I am navigating this at the same time that I'm sharing this. I'm not perfect. I recognize my weakness. And I think there's such a power in sharing as a body of Christ, because I think back in the day, when I was a new Christian, I went through quite big ups and downs of not really knowing the line between, okay, you're sharing too much, versus am I not sharing enough out of shame or out of fear of getting things wrong? And I think, you know, the Holy Spirit, I know the Holy Spirit will give us all wisdom on that and has definitely given me wisdom on that. But I think recently, especially with this podcast, a lot of the topics I'm talking about are either things that I have dealt with in the past or mostly things that I am navigating now. And I've not fully got down pat, but do I wait to become this perfect, well versed, no problems Christian who is able to, you know, share her thoughts without it being relevant to her right now. Like, is that what God wants for us? Because I've read my Bible, and I know that there is no one in that Bible who did not have sin aside from Jesus Christ. Paul is the first person I think of in this particular scenario where he talks so much about, you know, there's things that I don't want to do, but I do it anyway. He talks about so many of his own imperfections, but yet he was one of the most impactful first christians who wrote the majority of the New Testament, who allowed God and the Holy Spirit to give him the words to speak and give him the actions to grow the body of Christ and create a foundation that we all have today. So I think, for me, yes, there are certain things in my quiet time, in my prayer time, that I'm nothing gonna share, because I know that it is sensitive, and I know that God wants me to deal with it in a way that is quiet, because I think, what? Sometimes when you give things too much noise, I think it doesn't allow you to let God work on it in your heart first, and then it creates noise and distraction. But I think on certain topics, these are things that, like, I just know anyway. Like, majority of the things I share come from revelations I've had with God, come from a lot of prayer and a lot of reading and a lot of my own personal questions. This particular topic, when discipline becomes self righteousness, this is something that I have been praying on for weeks, and I have had my own personal convictions. I've cried out to God. I've been confused. I have let him work in my heart, and I'm still letting him work in my heart. I ain't out the other side, girl. I'm still learning. And as of yesterday, I still got a huge revelation from God, which I'm going to share with you guys. But funnily enough, revelations for me, because I don't think I. I mean, I think everyone. I don't know. I don't know enough about the gifts of the spirit. In so far as prophecy, teaching, whatever the other ones are, I clearly don't know enough because I don't even know what they are. We actually did a sermon on that on Sunday. So the fact that I've forgotten that it will come back to me, girl, I've got it written down in my phone. I got the Bible. It's okay. I don't know enough about it to know, like, does everyone have snippets of these things? Or, like, I know that certain things come out more prevalent, but I know for me, prophecy. I don't think I've. Right now, or it's not shown up, or I don't believe that God has called me into the avenue of prophecy insofar as strong prophetic words for the future. I have had prophetic dreams, and I have had prophetic dreams come to pass. My friend who actually goes to Naz's church, she's a married woman, and she has been such a help for me and Naz in our relationship, her and her husband. And I had this dream about her, and she. Well, I was holding a baby, and I knew it wasn't my baby. And I was like, that's her baby. And I messaged her when I woke up, and I was like, girl, you'll never believe this. I literally had a dream that I was holding a baby. But it was your baby. It was a little baby girl. And she replied, like, oh, my gosh, that's so crazy. Like, praise God, blah, blah. Then she messaged me, like, two months later. Obviously, she was waiting until she could, you know, share that she was pregnant. She messaged me and was like, your prophecy came to pass. I'm pregnant. She did have a baby boy, but who knows? Maybe I was holding her future child. I don't know. But I thought that was insane. So, you know, I definitely have had prophetic dreams. I definitely have had prophetic thoughts and visions, but I think my avenue. And it's something that one of my pasts at my church has told me twice. Last time being Sunday when we spoke about the gifts of the spirit and I went up to altar call. It was actually the first time I'd ever been up to altar call or the second, 2nd. But the first time the whole church literally got up. So I felt more like it wasn't really an act of faith, it was more like everyone's doing it, so I'll do it. But this is the first time I felt God pulling me to go and receive prayer. And for me, it wasn't necessarily receiving prayer. I think it was like that boldness of like, okay, God, I know you're doing something in me. I know that I need to recognize your Holy Spirit, and I know that I need to recognize your Holy Spirit so I can see the fruit of the gifts that you have given me. And I'm not going to see that fruit in a way that glorifies you unless I recognize that your spirit is in that. So I got up and one of my pastors put his hand on my head and he was like, you have the gift of teaching. I see it so clearly in your life, you have the gift of teaching. And like, chills went over me because he'd already prayed for me about a month prior about that. But the fact that he remembers and the fact that I just felt. I felt like, yes, it was him speaking, but it was that click in my mind of, okay, okay, God, I understand that this is what you want for me. This is what you've gifted me with. But my point of that was to say that for me, when I hear a word from God, which is quite often, and I'm really grateful for that, and it kind of makes me emotional. I don't want to cry on a podcast, but it does make me emotional because I don't feel like I deserve that. And I know that I don't outside of Christ, but I have been adopted into his family. Therefore I deserve all the gifts that he gives me, all the revelations that he gives me, because it serves his purpose in my life for me to then serve others, to allow them to walk in their godly purpose. So it's this amazing cycle that goes round as God speaks to me and to you, but I don't feel like I deserve it at times because I don't know, like it's a blessing and it's an anointing, but I get it easily. And I almost feel like I have to work for that. And that's something that I'm gonna share today slightly not necessarily about that topic, insofar as me, I guess, deserving this gift, but the act and the mindset of striving for something that we already have. I already have all blessings, all anointing, all favour and all ability in Christ. It is just my choice whether I want to use that and accept that and open my heart to that in a way that glorifies God and not myself. But with these revelations I receive, it does make sense that I would have the gift of teaching. And I'm not saying this, by the way, to gas myself up, because, I don't know, I find it hard to speak about myself. Whereas I can speak over someone else and I can see a gift in someone else and I can just feel God's presence over them. I have this one friend, Jessie, always comes up in my mind whenever I think of someone who just reflects God so clearly. This is a girl in my church, and she just has the gift of peace. I don't know if that's a gift, but she has this heart and this voice and this ability to listen and understand and interpret and just give you such encouraging words of God and give you. Almost like she just gives you the space to open up. And I'm so I can do that. I've said that to her so many times. I just feel God so strong on you. But saying that about myself, that's hard. But then why do I feel like that's hard? Like that should be easy because I should be rejoicing in me just simply being a child of God. And if I am fearfully and wonderfully made, created for a purpose for Christ, I should rejoice in the gifts that he has given me. If I dim those gifts, I'm dimming God's ability to create purposeful people, which is something, another thing that I had a revelation on. And I'm not getting to my point. My point is, in all of these things, they are things that I know, and they're potentially things that you know. But I think God has gifted me. And I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it strong. I'm gonna say it in a way that glorifies him, because I'm not gonna dim what he's done in my life, but he's given it to me in a way that opens up these conversations and opens up the word for me. First, because when I tell you, when I have been praying and studying and if I'm honest, complaining at times to God in regards to this subject and being frustrated and feeling like I've hit a wall, I feel as though it's opened my eyes to things that I have already seen, but I haven't felt. You ever feel like you read a scripture or you've read a book or you've heard a sermon a billion times, but it does nothing resonate with you, or it resonates once, oh, five years ago, but I let go of it as soon as I left the church. Oh, five years ago. But when I left that Bible study, I didn't think about it again. I didn't pray about it again. Oh, I had this real deep stirring in my heart, but I didn't pray on it to solidify it. I didn't go to God with my. My own selfish desires that were getting in the way of me really accepting this revelation in my life because I didn't do anything with it. I was given. It's like power with the talents, I guess. I was given this talent. I buried it. I didn't steward it. And I think God's opening my eyes to the fact that revelations are all biblical, duh. But they are like, I'm not going to say anything that is not in the Bible. I'm not going to say anything that is this new revelation that God has given me that you won't find anywhere else unless you talk to me. No, this is all scriptural stuff, but God has just given me gifting to show you what it is and to encourage you to get in your word. It's something that I have really felt God stirring up in my heart. And I've always loved my Bible. I love reading. So my Bible has always been the first call of action for me. But I've been feeling God saying, go deeper. Go deeper and recognize that every answer to your problems are there. And thank the Lord that we have the holy spirit who interprets it for us, who gives it a light that we may not see if we were reading it just with our fleshly eyes. We are seeing it with spiritual eyes. So that's a really long introduction to what we're going to talk about. And before I go into this, actually, which I meant to say at the very start, but your girl just went off on one. I have just recently been to a movie premiere. Again, God, you are cool. That's the best word. You are cool, you are mighty, you are wonderful, and so intricately purposeful in the way that you have guided my life. This movie is called the sound of hope. It is my first ever movie premiere that I've ever been to in my life. It is made by the same people who made the chosen, made the sound of freedom. If you guys have watched that, too, that was about child sex trafficking, which was very heavy. Me and my friend Tana went to watch it, but it was a needed topic. And the same with this film, sound of hope. This is shining light on adoption, and it is based on a true story. It is about this pastor and his wife. The wife had a revelation from God that she needs to adopt children to show these children love that she had received from her mother as well. And these children don't have a loving mother. And essentially, they got together with their church. The whole church got behind it. Felt the same conviction that they should also adopt children. Tiny little church in the middle of nowhere in Texas, and their church came together and adopted 77 children. And this film is that story. I met the people who were the real pastor and the real pastor's wife, and. Which was incredible. And this film was produced by Letitia Wright, who, if you don't know, she was in Black Panther. I never actually watched Black Panther, and I didn't know a lot about her. Everyone knows that sound on TikTok where she, you know, does that radio interview, and she's like, I fell in love with Jesus. Even when she was, you know, being interviewed, when she spoke, I just felt humility on her. I never met a celebrity in my life. This is the first time ever. And also, Nika King stars in this. I don't know where I know her from, but I have known her for a long time, so google her. But she also stars in this film as well. And she just had this humility about her that didn't make her feel like a celebrity. And maybe that's, like, my bad for thinking celebrities would be, you know, this angelic figure that felt like I couldn't talk or touch or look too hard at them, but she just was human. And it was weird. Like, well, it was good weird, but I was actually invited to the House of parliament that day before to have a really intimate discussion thing with her. And I think it was a room of 60 people, which was amazing that I was even there amongst 60 people. But I give God thanks. And the reason why I'm talking about this just quickly is because it is in cinemas now, and it would be incredible if you guys went to see it. It came out on the 11 October so yesterday, as I'm recording this and they are trying to keep it in cinemas because it's hard to do so with independent films like this, especially faith based films. They have to really fight and negotiate for it to even be on the big screen. So go and watch it. Take your friends. It's a really inspiring, God driven film that not only opens your eyes to adoption, but I think for me it gave me that desire to put my faith into action, to really understand what it means to be a follower of Christ. But I think it's the story of humanity, which is God's heart from the beginning. Humanity, love for humanity through the love of Christ. So whether you have christian friends or not, take everyone. I think it will definitely sow a seed in your non christian friends, but it will also give them that recognition of humanity and what we can do as humans to help other humans. But without further ado, let's begin this podcast. We're 20 minutes through, but we'll begin it. So let's don't know if this is going to be a long one, but buckle your seatbelts because I really believe this is going to be powerful, not because of me, but because of the Holy Spirit who has done a mad one with this. Like when I tell you, I feel like this is gold dust in my hands. But anyways, I've kind of explained a little bit about my frustrations with my own purpose. Like this. This podcast is about purpose, discipline towards your purpose, discipline for something big that you're trying to achieve. But it is coming out, unfortunately, in the shape of self righteousness. I'm just going to be real with you guys in this. I was like, oh, should I really explain what, you know, I've been going through? But let me just be real because there's no pride that I have. Like, I'm going through this with all of you guys. And for me, this particular topic that I'm really struggling with is in content creation. When I came back to this podcast, I sort of shared where I went, how I got caught up in my job, I got caught up in just the normality of life and letting go of what God had called me to do, which I had felt technically since I was about seven years old. But it only really came out in the God driven way when I came to Christ, which was making content. But now I know it's making content in the eyes of God. And now even more so, I understand and recognize that my gift is teaching and it's what I love to do. I love talking about God. I love dissecting the word on my own, with my friends, with my family. But online, like, it's. I don't know how the enemy stopped me from doing this for almost a year. It was like March till September. Well, that's not a year. So, like, six months. Girl, I'd barely pass math, so don't judge me. But it was a long time anyway. I would have let it get to a year if I hadn't had that conviction from God. I don't know how the enemy stopped me from doing it. It's not even to stop me. It's to convince me that it wasn't good for me, that it wasn't something that I enjoyed, that I would be better off using my time somewhere else. The devil is a liar. He is a liar. And I had the conviction from God to get back to what he had called me to do. It was a big slap in the face. I'd cried about it. I felt back and forth. I barely even wanted to go on TikTok or, you know, go on my Instagram, the less of me. Podcast Instagram, because I felt embarrassed, like it was catching dust. I didn't want to look at it, so I had the guilt. I just didn't have the action and the boldness to do something about it. Like, it's like, you know, when, I don't know, the dishes are in the sink, and you keep walking past the sink, but you don't really want to look at the sink because, you know, you've got dirty dishes in the sink, and you don't have the discipline to do something about it. You don't have the heart to face what is happening in your kitchen right now. That's how I felt. My kitchen was. Was dusty. My kitchen was dirty. My kitchen had crumbs on the side, and I wasn't doing nothing about it. But God really slapped me and was like, get back to what I've called you to do. I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you the strength to do it. Yes, but you're only going to find that strength if you start doing it. But I have felt quite down recently because it's not been as smooth sailing as I thought. I don't know what I thought, but I thought, if I start doing it, God will bless it. He'll bring people to my TikTok. He'll bring people to my podcast. And don't get me wrong, for all of you guys who have stuck around since the start, I don't want this to make it seem like I don't appreciate you. When I tell you the homegirls who have been here, even if you just joined, I'm grateful. But the homegirls that have been here since day one, like, as in pre Christian Elodie, when Elodie first became a Christian, like, people that have been here for a long time and have carried on despite my lack of obedience to this. The amount of times I've gone on a break and come back, the amount of times I've said that I'm going to be disciplined and I don't. The amount of times I say I'm going to start posting and I don't. And some of you guys have stuck with me through it all, and I am so grateful to. I don't even want to say my fans, because I call you guys my homegirls for a reason, because I really do feel like you guys are my family. You guys have uplifted me in ways that I don't think I've given you guys enough praise for it. I don't think I've given you guys enough. Thanks, um, for being here. Like, in times where my mental state, I just felt like I couldn't do it. I felt like there was a rock in the way, but there was always some of you who kept coming back. And I'm. Yeah, I don't know how to give you guys enough. Thanks. So this is not to take away from that, but when you have a purpose from God, you want that purpose to grow. You want that purpose to reach people more and more. And this is not about my own personal fame. This is about Jesus, and this is about making his name known across the whole world, which is a hard thing to do. Don't get me wrong. It's an unpopular thing for me to do, and it takes boldness. And I think, especially because I had lived my life for the past almost two years, if I'm honest with my career and having that be my main focus, even though I had been posting content on and off throughout those two years, my responsibility, my pure focus, my priority was work. To the point where, like, life just became normal. And there's nothing wrong with normality. If you work a nine to five, so do I, girl. There's nothing wrong with that. And God has definitely blessed me with that, but I let it overtake me, and I don't think that my focus was there. So getting to the point where I was like, okay, I'm gonna bite the bullet, and I'm gonna do something that is uncomfortable. I'm gonna put myself out there and start being consistent with my content. Start boldly and unashamedly talking about God. For it to not land was hard for me, struggling with views and struggling with growing followers. And I don't want to be the metrics driven person because I have prayed about this for weeks and weeks, asking God to let me not look at that stuff. But it is hard not to look at it. It's really difficult. And it's been hard, especially because I felt so strongly in my heart that this was something that I was meant to do, but then I felt like God wasn't coming through. It's like, well, God, why would you tell me to do this if you're not going to bless it? Why would you tell me to do it and not bring the right audience? Why would you tell me to do it? And me get people unfollow? Like, I've not had my followers budge in, well, probably almost a year, because I haven't been that consistent on TikTok, but a long time. I have been, like, in gridlock. And it's hard when you're looking at other people, other creators, growing and getting popular. And I know that I'm the first one to say, stay in your lane, because there's only one led. I know there's only one led, and I know there's only one me in the sense of how God uses me. Like, there's one of every other person I'm seeing online that is growing in the, you know, their content and growing their platform and praise God because they're able to speak about God or teach God or show God in, you know, multiple creative ways in a way that I can't do in that that's fine, that that's good. The body of Christ needs to be diverse. The body of Christ needs to have different people to reach different people. And I'm so grateful that they exist, but it's hard when they exist and are thriving and I am doing something that I feel just as equally led to do, but I'm not seeing fruit. And it's hard when, like, you complain to God. I remember when I used to tell my mum growing up, why are you yelling at God? Why are you angry with God? How dare you do that? Like, God knows what he's doing. And I've. I have reminded myself of that. It's not like I lost all hope, but, like, there's times of struggle, like, it's normal, like you're trying to reach somewhere and you feel like you're not getting anywhere. But you felt like God was telling you to do it, and it's like, well, God, why did you tell me to do it? You know, and yesterday. Yesterday night, I was doing my skincare as you do. I don't know what it is. Whenever I'm doing some sort of self care thing, that's when I feel God speak in the shower. Doing my skincare on the toilet. On the toilet is necessary self care. Well, well, you gotta. Gotta go if you gotta go. So that's respecting your body. I'd say it's honoring the temple of the Holy Spirit. But all those. All those times, you know, I'm doing something, I feel God speak, and I feel like it gives me opportunity to pray. And I was doing my skincare last night, and this is after weeks of praying and weeks of being confused and weeks of going to God and not letting myself get comfortable because I knew that I like praying without ceasing has been a verse that has been on my mind for a long time. But in the last, I'd say three months have been really something that I am like, okay, you cannot let go of that. When I say pray, I mean pray. When I say seek God, I mean seek God. When I say, ensure that God is part of your everyday life, make sure that God is part of your everyday life. You cannot let go of a genuine relationship with Goddesse. So for this particular thing I've been praying about for weeks, and, you know, I'm asking God why I'm saying, you know, God, I need you to help me. And I felt him say, when I call you to be disciplined, I am not calling you to work harder than you seek. When I tell you I dropped that black african soap when I was washing my face. And I was like, what? Excuse me? I almost wanted to, like, run to my room and start writing whilst the soap is on my face all foamed up. Because I was like, I need to write that down. I need. I need to get on my word about this. I need to pray about this. Because that answered every single one of my questions. For weeks, I had been saying, God, I'm working hard. I'm posting every day. I'm making videos after working a nine hour shift and being exhausted, having talked all day, my job, I don't stop. I am so busy all the time. I could go home and I could put on Netflix, and I could not do anything. But I've been disciplined. Whether

it's 09: 29:49

00 p.m. at night when I'm exhausted, I am making a video. I am on TikTok, trying to come up with content ideas. I am writing pages and pages, planning for podcasts, editing for hours and hours. I'm missing, you know, social events with my friends because I'm wanting to be disciplined. And don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for this discipline. I don't know where it's come from. Clearly come from God. But now I'm starting to get worried that it's not being sustained by God because I'm getting this doubt, and I'm getting the struggle. And I know that in that struggle and in that doubt and in that period where God isn't at the forefront, but my might and my power, not God's might and not God's power, my might and my power is succeeding God's. And that's when I'm gonna get rocky, and I know that's when I'm gonna stop. And I have, like, borderline had mental breakdowns about it. To God being like, I don't want to stop. Lord, give me the strength to not stop. I can't let this go. I'm not doing this again. Like, I am staying consistent forever. Like, I want to be that 90 year old woman who's posting TikTok videos. I want to always be using my gift some way or another. And I know that if I take a break, if I stop, if I get back in the mindset of just going through day to day life, I will regret it. When I wasn't posting videos, when I wasn't doing what I knew that God had called me to, especially in the times where I started feeling the guilt, because I knew that, okay, I'm not taking a break because I need this break, and I need, you know, time to really adjust myself, growing my faith with God, you know, give it all over to him, I'd given it to him, but I still wasn't moving. And I felt that guilt. And when I felt that guilt, I can tell you that is probably the most spiritually desolate place, because I wasn't being purposeful with my. With my faith. I really needed this word. Like, I needed to hear God say that, because I don't think my mind was in the wrong place. But I know that if I carried on, I either would have stopped or I would have become prideful. So I would have stopped because I wasn't succeeding, or I would have worked hard to the point where I maybe started succeeding, then I would have been prideful, and if I stopped, I would have been angry with God. And if I continued, I would have been arrogant above God and I would have become my own goddess. So, you know, after washing my face and rushing to put my moisturizer on, because I need to open my bible now, I need to journal now. And I started looking up in the word for scriptures on discipline just because I wanted to understand, like, okay, what does God say about discipline in the sense of godly discipline? Because clearly what God said to me was, there are two sides of discipline and one is not good. So I was like, okay, let me find it. And I was kind of feeling a bit discouraged, like, you know when you're trying to find a scripture and you don't know if the scripture exists, but you just need that, like, clarification that what you're thinking is biblical. And I just kept looking, and I was like, none of these are, you know, giving me the answer that I'm looking for. But I kept pressing through, kept reading, kept trying to get context, because you can, like, Google, you know, scriptures on discipline, but I need to, like, see it in its fullness, get an understanding of the context of the scripture, the context of the book and the chapter and who's speaking and who that person is speaking to. And one thing that I could find, the only thing that I could find is in the scriptures where it talks about discipline. It was about God disciplining us, or it was about parents disciplining their children, but in the context of how God would discipline his children, it all went back to God being the source of discipline. Nowhere did it say when I was looking that we should discipline ourselves. And I realized that I was taking a job that was not mine when I was in that girl boss mode of disciplining myself and getting up and making sure that I do a video and making sure that I'm always creative and making sure that I get my butt on this podcast and I edit every single week. I batch record, I get things out. I realize that whilst that may have been, you know, a really admirable thing, not even just to worldly people, but to believers, like, wow, she's really disciplined. And I was proud of myself. I was like, wow. Like, I don't know where I'm getting this drive for, but I realized the drive started with God in the sense of he planted the seed for my purpose. So all that I do comes out. Yes. Like the words I speak and the podcast that I'm doing and the TikToks I'm doing. Yes. Are God breathed. And I'm grateful that God has given me the ability to do these things. But I realized the drive for doing it was not driven by God, but it was driven by fear and it was driven by self righteousness. I was going about it, trying to fulfill God's purpose without actually including him in the process. It was God that gave it to me, girl. It was God that gave it to you. Whatever you're trying to accomplish, whatever you're trying to do, it, it was given to you by God. But God is not like, I don't know, you know, you know when you're on the street and you're trying to get directions or, like, you're in the car and, you know, back in the day when we didn't really have sat navs like that, you're trying to find where somewhere, something is and you stop someone on the road. And, like, I never understood how my mum used to do it when they. When she listened to people who gave directions, because they were like, you're gonna take right, you're gonna take left, and you're gonna drive up this road and you're gonna go around this roundabout. You're gonna go here and you're gonna go there. And I'm thinking, I don't even remember the first direction that you gave me. A. And somehow my mom was, like, trying to remember what this guy on the road said to her to get to her destination. That is not what God is like. God doesn't stand by your passenger's window outside the car directing you, and then when you drive off, he forgets about you guys, about his day. Whilst you're worried about getting there. God will meet you where you are. He'll get in that car, first of all, by taking you out and putting you in the passenger side because you ain't in the driver's side, girl, he's gonna get in the car. He's gonna take this girl and roll and he's gonna say, baby girl, sit back because I'm gonna go. I'm gonna drive. I'm gonna take you where you need to go. You're not gonna be alone in this. And this reminds me, particularly on the story of Mary and Martha. And funnily enough, I actually did. I reposted a video where I talked about Mary and Martha in a different context. But for some reason, after I posted it, I just felt like this drive to read it again and look it up again. And this is in Luke ten, verse 38 to 42. Let me find it. Because your girl doesn't like writing things down because she's not organized to honestly, I'm organized, but writing down a whole scripture where I could just find it. I just write down the name of the scripture. I'll go find it anyways. Luke Tendin now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village and a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary who was sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted much with serving and she went up to him and said, Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me. But the Lord answered her. Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen a good portion which will not be taken away from her. I'm actually reading this book that Naz, my boyfriend, gave to me Christmas time and I still haven't finished it. But it is about having a merry heart and a Martha world. And I clearly need to read that book because I thought in certain things I think I can understand and relate more to Mary. But I feel like God has opened my eyes recently that I am like Martha a lot more than Mary. In the video that I did about Martha and Mary, I was particularly talking about serving in church and being filled up yourself before you let your church lead you into nonsense. And this is something that I've seen since I was a child. So it wasn't something that was ever really hard for me. My mum had experienced it. I wouldn't say that we went to a mega church. We went to a big church growing up that had multiple locations, a very known church. And she herself had to navigate with the church wanting more from her than she could give. So I'd grown up being taught by my mum a lot about this topic and not letting church, you know, take advantage of you. Make sure that when you are serving, that you are serving with God at the center and not self righteousness and not trying to show off and not draining yourself to the point where your own relationship with God suffers. So that particular idea of being like Mary, I had recognized. But I realize that in a lot of areas, Martha's my homegirl. Mary, I need to know you. But I don't yet. And I want to ask this question because as I read it back again with this new understanding of how I relate to Martha, would you have called Mary purposeful or lazy? Because I can't lie to you, girl, right now and I'm convicted on it. But when I look at this scripture, as of right now, as I'm navigating life. I'm struggling to see her as purposeful, and I'm looking and saying, girl, get your butt up. You're being lazy. You need to act on what God has given given to you. You need to be disciplined. And my problem is that I relate more to Martha when it comes to hard work. And I forget that the king of kings is in the room. I forget that I have a almighty opportunity to seek God with no barriers. As believers, as christians, as people who believe and walk out the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we have a relationship with God that no one else can ever delight in. Jesus broke the chains of condemnation. Jesus broke the chains of disconnect. Jesus brought us back to a sustained, everlasting, grace driven relationship with God, meaning that I have unmerited favor seen through the lens of Christ. As I seek the father, so the father seeks me back. And I'm here forgetting about that, and I'm here running around trying to solve a problem that if I just shut up, sat down, worked it with God, I would receive answers that are not just for today, but for tomorrow and the day after. And I would be able to seek and dwell in God's presence in a way that is sustainable. And if I don't do that, I am leading myself down a path of self righteousness, which I don't think I got to yet, because I was determined not to, in the sense of I kept praying about it because I felt convicted, but I felt confused. I felt convicted, but I felt angry, I felt convicted, but I felt isolated by God, but I was like, girl, like, no, like, I need to pray about this. I felt it so strong in my heart where, like, this had to be my number one focus on prayer. And I almost could not pray about it when I prayed. Like, I prayed about other things, but it kept going back to that because I almost felt like the devil was trying to get to me and trying to discourage me, trying to get to my heart and tell me that I'm not good enough, that I heard God wrong, that I need to just, like, pack it all in and let the dream die. And one thing I want to make really clear, that is something that I have prayed about and actually declared in my prayer, in my cry, that I have worried that my dream is dying in the sense of will I ever really get to the place that I want to get to? And I think it's hard, especially for me, someone that has been, quote unquote, popular in social media, reaching the subscribers that I did before I came to Christ, like, set nearly 70k subscribers, you know, having all these brand deals, having girls run up to me crying, being just like queen of the world almost. It's hard to go from that glory to not being anyone. I know that I am someone in Christ, but right now I feel like a nobody in my ministry, and that's just me being raw. And I know that that's not true because I know that if my ministry is driven by God, no matter what stage I'm at with my ministry, my ministry is purposeful and my ministry can touch one person. There are people who work in Morrisons who have a ministry. There are people who pick up rubbish off the ground and have a ministry. There are people who say hi in church and make your coffee and have a ministry. I could touch one person, I have a ministry. But obviously I feel called that my ministry will expand, and it's not expanded, but it did expand when I wasn't in God and even when I was in God, but I lacked the consistency. And that's something that I beat myself up for a lot, having to forgive myself the way that God forgave me in the sense of like, I was doing well in my christian online ministry, but I didn't. I don't think I was ready, if I'm honest. So maybe like, let me let go of that right now and like, forgive myself. Because I don't think I had the true understanding of what it really meant to act in accordance with God when it comes to a ministry. I hadn't really prayed about it. I just got up and done it. And yes, there's that level of like, boldness with that, but I don't think I was able to handle the responsibility and also able to seek God as I did the same as right now, which is why I was like, God. Let me not get to that. Because if I'm honest, back then, yes, you know, I look back at some videos and I'm like, girl, you're spitting facts. But I didn't have the biblical knowledge. And this isn't to say that you shouldn't have a ministry if you don't have biblical knowledge. But I think the type of ministry that I wanted to build, which was centered around preaching, teaching, opening up the word of God, sometimes I did have discernment, but I think a lot of times I lacked discernment. And even if that thing that I said was biblically accurate, I wasn't living it out. And I wasn't willing to try to live it out. I've always been quite a mature person. I've always been able to say mature stuff, but that's outward. And I think I lacked the inward refining. So it did make sense. I took a break. But it is hard having taken a break, coming back, losing a lot of the people who were following me back then and kind of starting all over again and feeling like, wow, okay, this is hard. This is not glamorous. This isn't going as successful as I planned for it to be. But do you see how that now becomes, like, almost a self seeking thing? Like, yes, I'm trying to do it for God, but I. I'm making the focus on myself. And I'm so driven now, and I'm grateful that God has spoken to me, that this could potentially lead to a self righteous mindset. And self righteousness can lead you into so many destructive things. And I've written down four right now. There are obviously a lot more. But for me, this is what I feel personally. And I think this probably speak in four words, but a thousand when you start picking it apart. Pride. The obvious one, self righteousness. For me, the nucleus of self righteousness is pride and not humility, ignorance. This means that I am deaf to God's voice, exhaustion. If you have self righteousness, you haven't got the Holy Spirit. If you haven't got the Holy Spirit, you haven't got his peace and his strength over your life, meaning that you're acting from a fleshly way and the flesh gets tired and the flesh wears out, but my God does not get tired. So if I'm not leaning on God, I'm gonna get tired. And the last one, frustration. Self righteousness. In my mind, especially when I look at the Old Testament, you're seeing a lot of frustrated people who can't really get to where they want to be because they're leaning on their own works. And then you're asking God to show up which two plus two doesn't equal five. And this leads on to a scripture that I think it's just so relevant to this particular topic. And this is Romans ten three. And this says, actually, I'm going to read the full thing for context because I think this really, like, as I was saying about the Old Testament, gives it some ground understanding of what Paul is talking about in this. And this says, brothers and sisters, my heart's desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved, for I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge. Since they did not know the righteousness of God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness. Does this did Paul mean to say elodine in space of Israelites? Because that really sounds like me zeal not based on knowledge. Their zeal is not based on knowledge. The passion is there, but the direction is not like I think we all can relate to that in some way or another. Moving towards a purpose without God in the driver's seat, like I said earlier, means you are serving self and not God, but you don't realize that, but you are. And where it says establishing their own, since they did not know the righteousness of God, they sought to establish their own. Anytime we fall back into self righteousness, that is a clear manifestation of us forgetting the God that we serve, forgetting the righteousness and the faithfulness and the wholeness and the power and the mightiness of God. The Old Testament is so important and it's why I have read it many, many times. And it's why that I keep going back to it, because it is a clear depiction of the desolate life that we have when we do not recognize the righteousness and the favour of God, the grace of God, the freedom that comes with Jesus Christ. And you don't understand and rejoice the new covenant until you understand the old covenant. And what, like how hard that would be and how apart from God you will feel and how human you feel. And by that I'm not complimenting us as humans. Living life purely human, purely sinned and flawed and raw, with no buffer, with no covering of God is so hard. And one thing I see time and time again when I read the Old Testament, and I understand more and more about the Israelites, is how they never found true stability and joy. They were always back and forth. There was always these new eras of this new king and these new people, and they went far from God and they went back to God and they disobeyed. But then they came back and everyone started worshipping idols and God came and saved them. But they, they leaned on their own strength and this happened, blah, blah, blah, blah. They were under the law. And when we get into that mindset of self righteousness and the zeal not based on knowledge, we will enslave ourselves again and again and again and we will fall again and again and again. But a life where God is on the pedestal is a life where purpose comes to life. As I said before, girl, he gave you the purpose and he will help you see it. Through. He will not leave you on the side of the road for you to carry on driving on your own. He will get in that driver's seat and he will take you to that destination. Should you be willing and humble, should you be like Mary, who sits at the feet of Jesus and lets him do the work for you. And that's not to say that you don't get up and you don't work hard. That's not to say that you don't have the discipline. But is the discipline powered by your quality time with God? Is a discipline powered by, even in your not quiet times and even in your busy times, that you are seeking God through it all, that you are keeping God at the focus of every single thing that you do, that he is your companion, he is your friend, he is your counselor, he will give you wisdom if you let him. He will give you insight if you let him, that we cannot, you cannot give yourself. Look at the Old Testament, girl. Read it, study it. Understand that you don't have it on your own. That's the whole reason why we have Christ in the first place, because we were so broken without him. You think of how you gave your life to Christ. I think of how I gave my life to Christ. I gave my life to Christ because there was brokenness there. Regardless of what our testimonies are. We all came to Christ out of an acknowledgement of our brokenness, out of an acknowledgement of our incompetence and our inability to do life on our own. And some of the scriptures I want to read just to close off this episode is first of all scriptures on seeking God. First one and my mum's favourite one, Matthew 633. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. Hebrews eleven six and without faith it is impossible to please God. For whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. First chronicles 1611 seek the Lord and his strength. Seek his presence continually. And I'm going to go on to verse twelve. Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered. Jeremiah 29 one that everyone quotes, but for some reason we don't let it actually come out in our day to day life. And this is for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope and Matthew seven seven eight ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and it will be open to you, for everyone who asks receives. And the one who seeks finds. And to the one who knocks, it will be opened. And then scriptures on purpose. And as I read these scriptures out, I want you to remember the seeking and understand that without the seeking, the purpose cannot be fulfilled. And the first one I want to read is romans 828, one of my favorite scriptures, one of my favourite chapters. Actually, it's probably my favourite chapter, romans eight. And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Psalm 138 eight the Lord will fulfill his purpose for me. Your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. I love that one. We are the work of his hands and he will fulfil his purpose for us because he created us with intention. We're still on psalms. Psalm 57 two I cry out to God most high, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. And then finally ephesians 210 for we are all his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. I will leave these scriptures in the description of this podcast, and I really recommend you to read them for yourself, to pray over them yourself. By the way, I don't know if the microphone is picking this up, but my stomach is rumbling so much. So if you're hearing background noise, that's what it is. I will feed her soon, don't worry. She needs to be quiet for 2 seconds. But anyways, I also want to end this with something that's really important. And this is patience. You might have been waiting for this, you also might not be. And this also might be really hard to stomach. It's hard for me to stomach, but it's the truth and we have to talk about it. If we are seeking God and trusting his purpose for our lives. Have patience sometimes. And this is something that I've learned a long time ago. But as I said about Jeremiah 29, we seem to forget these things and we seem to not let it marinate in our hearts. We are like the seed sown on rocky ground. We are nothing in the foundation of God. We do not let things grow, but instead they just disappear with the wind. I think we are all guilty of that. I think we all need to recognize that sometimes these periods, God is preparing us. The season of waiting that we are in right now for whatever that may be, God is preparing us. And I can see that clearly in my life as I even talked about, you know, in the past I don't think that I understood really what God's purpose was for me because I wasn't seeking him in my purpose. But now I feel more than ever to, yes, strive for my purpose, but strive under the purpose of God. God's purpose. This isn't my purpose and this is not a purpose that I fulfill on my own. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me for a reason, and he should be my ultimate counsellor. I should not grieve the Holy Spirit, but instead I should allow him to move in every aspect of my life. And I remember Christine Cain in one of her books. I can't remember if it was her, but in her book anyway, if it was her, I'm just going to use it was her because it's easier, because I don't know who this other nameless person is. But I. Let's say I hope that it's right. She wanted to be a pastor and she was only the youth pastor for many, many years. And she was like, God, this, you know, great. But this is not where I want to be. I want to actually be a pastor. I want to actually move towards true leadership in the church. And God essentially said, if I don't get you to do this thing and do it well, now, you will take advantage of what I'm going to give you later. And I read that book almost five years ago. I need to get it out again. Be grateful for where you are. We lack gratitude as believers. We lack thankfulness as believers because we're always working towards the next thing. Be grateful for the season that God has you in a. Because there's still things to give thanks for. Like, let's not forget that there's so many things I can give God thanks for, not even just for how he's allowing me to use my platform, but be the fact that I'm able to use it, period, in the sense of my wisdom that God has given me. The. The words that he's given me, and these words are no less powerful than if they reached more people. Like, it's something that I felt a lot like, oh, is the word not good? But I felt it's so strong in my heart, why didn't it reach people? But it's still purposeful. Like, there's pastors who don't have their sermons recorded and put on YouTube every Sunday. Does that mean that what they speak to their congregation doesn't have power to the 200 people that are in their church, the 100 to the 50 people in their church? Does that not mean that. That wasn't a life changing sermon for those 50 people. So if my video only reaches 50 people, I'm speaking to a church, baby girl. And I'm gonna be grateful. I'm gonna be grateful that God has used me to speak to whoever they touch. And as I grow, I will continue to be grateful that they are touching people, period, regardless of the number. And I. And I have to use this time as a time of preparation for what I know that God has coming for me. And I'm not gonna let myself get prideful, because I'm praying and thanking God every day. And I'm committed to doing that. And I'm also committed to being raw and honest with God. Like David in psalms, it wasn't. It wasn't all pretty and roses. He was saying some hard stuff that even I would find trouble saying to God. But David was a man after God's own heart. And if David was a man after God's own heart, David had to be honest with God about his heart. He couldn't hide behind this flowery christian exterior that we are so used to seeing in christian culture today, where we are not honest, we are not open about not just how we feel about our situation, but how we feel about how God is handling our situation. Because if we don't ask those questions, we won't be reminded of the characteristics of God that exceed our thoughts, exceed our fleshly desire to minimize God and what he is doing in our lives. That's why David was a man after God's own heart, because he was honest and he was patient. And I'm gonna leave it there. I could go on, but I think it's time for us all to go away, for you to go away. And if this spoke to you, to let it marinate, to go into your word and really have this feel real to you, I've had it feel real to myself, and I'm continuing to seek God for him to bring this to the forefront of my mind constantly, to sow this seed. But let it be sown for you, too. Let it become something that is your personal prayer, your personal story, and eventually your personal testimony. But, yeah, I love you guys. Thank you for creating just this safe space for me. Even though I am literally talking to a microphone right now. I know that there are so many of you out there that just love me. Thank you. Thank you for being my sister in Christ, my brother in Christ. You all are such a value to me. And I really pray from the depth of my heart that this touches you and leads you not just into your purpose, but into the loving arms of Jesus Christ, the loving arms of a God that wants to be with you and serve you and love on you, set you free from any shame, any condemnation, any confusion, any pride, any ignorance. He wants to take off the veil off of your eyes and your ears and have you experience his love in a way that is authentic to you, intentional to you, and powerful and impactful to you and those around you. I love you guys. Have a blessed week and I will not even see you guys. I'm so used to YouTube that I say that I will talk to you guys next week. Love you guys.