why don't you have christian friends?

so many of us want christian friends, but when we look around, we’re either alone or surrounded by friends who aren't following God.

this episode dives into the real reasons behind that, from where we’re spending our time to how open we are to finding and keeping those god-centered friendships.

what i talk about:

• the importance of community in faith and why christian friendships matter
• how building christian friendships goes beyond just attending church
• the impact of being around people who challenge and sharpen us spiritually
• personal experiences of finding friends who are different from me but who help me grow closer to Jesus

true friendships aren’t about perfection but are built on the promises of God and a true reflection of His desire for us to be in community. i pray this convicts you and gives you a good perspective on moving forward 💕

Transcript

0:12

Home girls, we're back. How y'all doing? I'm good. It's Friday. I need to start batch recording again. I'm leaving it to the last minute, but I'm doing it. So we praise God for the commitment. I pray that you guys are enjoying the podcast. Obviously, it's like, it's different to YouTube because there's no comments, so I don't really get to see the feedback from the episodes because there's no comment section. I think on Spotify there is. Well, there is because I've seen it. Like, a few people will comment on different episodes, which is actually like, quite a nice feature. But what I might start doing is doing, like a little questions thing on my Instagram after every podcast and just getting you guys thoughts. Like maybe like a few days after, see what you guys think of it. So definitely follow me over there. That is the Less of Me podcast. I would love for more of you to head over there because, yeah, it's just nice to get you guys thoughts. And also, before I forget, your girl's got to shamelessly plug herself. If you guys are enjoying the podcast, if you're enjoying the episodes that I am creating, they're resonating with you, share it with your friends. For one, if you feel like someone can benefit from it, that would be incredible. And then for two, if you could leave a review on wherever you listen, I don't care, as long as you do it. That would really help push it up. I am aware that doing an audio podcast sometimes doesn't get the same level of views and traction because videos just outperform everything. I'm thinking about it, guys. I just a don't feel like I've got the backdrop, which I feel like is a lie, because I probably could come up with something. I'll think about it. It's just that I really enjoy speaking without anyone looking at me, even though I've done YouTube for so many years. But I just like the idea of just getting up and doing it rather than, like, doing my hair, doing my makeup if I want to. You know, you film me, but I'll pray about it. But for now, I pray you guys are enjoying it in audio form. But without further ado, we're going to go straight into it. I'm going to try and make this one a shorter episode just because I am so hungry and I've not eaten since lunchtime. And my parents will also be eating with me, so if I take long, then they're also going to be hungry. So you guys can see before I can, if I have fulfilled that. And you also know if my parents are angry at me or not. I'm going to aim for 30 minutes. Max. Max. But in this episode, we are talking about Christian friends. Yep. Something we all want, I hope, where I talk about it. If you don't want that, but I'm going to convince you. But I would say for the most part, it's something that we all want, but not a lot of us have that. And we may have some form of Christian network, but it's not strong. We may be struggling where to find them. And there's a lot of different things. And I kind of just want to talk about that. I want to go into why that's the case and also a little bit more conviction on how you could potentially be missing out on the friends because of your approach to friends, your approach to Christian circles, your approach to church, the amount of effort that you put in. But let me not spoil too much. I'm going to get straight into it. So I'm going to start off with just a preface. I kind of mentioned how, yes, everyone most of the time wants Christian friends, but I know there can be that. Not that you don't want them, like you're avidly against them, but there might not be that push or that inclination or that conviction to encourage you to make that step and actively search for friends. When I first became a Christian, I was in lockdown, so we were already very isolated. And whilst I am so grateful to God for that period of time, whilst it was a crazy, hectic, sad for some time in the world, it was a saving grace for me because it pressed pause on my life and got me to really sit and contemplate my life. And a big part of that was my faith. And I grew in my relationship with God so much. But I would say I grew mentally, but I didn't have the practical tools, nor did I have the practical conviction to act out on my faith. And a big part of that was my friendships. And obviously, like, there's not really any way I could go back. It was more of just a slow process for God to convict me on. Because when you're in lockdown, there's nowhere that I was going. God couldn't necessarily convict me on something that was literally impossible to do. Churches were shut down, there was nowhere to go and meet friends. Everything was online, which meant that it was a lonely walk at the beginning. But I wouldn't say that I found it lonely. And, you know, I've got my different views on it. I think when it comes to becoming a Christian, I would definitely encourage people to get in a church just because there's that level of commitment. For one, even if you don't, you don't have to go to like the first church and stay with the first church. But it's that level of, okay, I now have this faith in Christ and I want to be committed to gather with other people in the body of Christ. That is important. But then for me, there was a level of that personal relationship that had to be established. So I would also encourage people to have that personal relationship. But because of the weird circumstances of mine, it meant that I was kind of becoming one of those Christians that was very much like, I don't need anyone but God, I don't need church. I think also growing up experiencing not personally, but hearing of different church hurt hearing my mum talk about certain things in church. I think I mentioned this in a previous podcast anyway, just sort of, sort of left a sour taste in my mouth about church. And I know that a lot of people are legalistic when it comes to church. They see their church as an ultimate priority over the church, the body of Christ, which means that it becomes very rigid and not an outpouring of the personal faith and revelation you've had in Jesus. So it kind of led me to be like that. So I can very much understand when people are like, my faith is between me and God and I want a personal relationship with God doesn't need to be shared with other people. I can understand the personal relationship with God part now. Back then I could understand all of it, but I can understand the personal relationship part with God now. Because there still needs to be that level of. You dwell in the secret place and you hear personal convictions, personal pieces of wisdom from God. It doesn't all come from your pastor. If it does, that's really concerning. And if my pastor's listening to this, he would say the same thing. My pastor is not my God, nor are anyone at my church my God. No one is my God but my God. But I also know that my pastor and other people in my church can serve as a resource to God. Which is why when I know people have that opinion about Christian friends, Christian community, there is a level of pride that comes with that. And you only have to look in the Bible. Acts in particular was one of the things that really convicted me towards the end of lockdown to be like, okay, I need people around me because it might start like a really fulfilling walk with God, but. But it doesn't end like that because God has created us as relational beings. And I've got a few scriptures that talk about this. So the first scripture is Proverbs 27, verse 17. It's one that we all know. So say all love, but some of y'all aren't listening. And this is iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. If you so say, don't value Christian friends, do you value friends, period? Because I can probably guarantee that a lot of you have friends, but you're avoiding the ones that are going to fill you. They're going to lead you to the cross. They're going to give you spiritual input and guidance. So it's not that you don't value friends. For some reason, you just want your iron to be sharpened, not like another believer. But how else are you going to be sharpened? And what will you look like when you're sharpened by only people of the world? Since we're in Proverbs, we're going to go straight back to

Proverbs 13: 9:45

20. And this is, whoever walks with the wise become wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. Girl, I don't even need to talk because that just sums up everything that I just said. And then we're going to go forward to the New Testament. In First Corinthians, we're going to go to First Corinthians 15, verse 33. Do not be deceived. Bad company ruins good morals. And I'm pretty sure in other scriptures, other versions says, bad company corrupts good character. Yeah, bad company corrupts good character. And we're going to finish it off, because I ain't done yet with one more scripture that is in Hebrews, and this is really important for the body of Christ, just that understanding of not just for our sake, but for everyone. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another. And all the more, as you see the day drawing near. Let me just make it clear. Whilst I want all of you to have Christian friends, and whilst this episode is helping you get in those circles, convicting you as to why you aren't in those circles, convicting you on getting in the places that are going to help you be in those circles, I don't want you to just think this is about you. Yes, it's about you. Yes, it's about your faith. Yes, it's about growing in your personal relationship with God, something that is very important, but that Relationship with God does not end there. You don't get amongst Christian friends to feed just yourself. You get amongst Christian friends to feed them as well. You are a light and you are not turning it on. If you stay away from people, God doesn't give you gifts to use it for yourself. God gives you gifts to use it for the good of other people. And the more you keep drawing away from church, drawing away from believers, drawing away from the house of God, you are drawing away from your true potential and your ability to bless the body of Christ. We need you. If someone cut off my arm today, I'd be like, wow, I did not realize how much I needed my left arm. That's how it feels like when you aren't there. You bring something to the table that no one else can bring. You create purpose amongst you and your friends. You create something that builds up faith, builds up blessings, builds up truth and restoration for generations to come. How are you going to be built up with a renewed perspective, with renewed faith, with renewed wisdom if you're not connecting with the people who God has imparted that wisdom? God has imparted that faith. God has imparted that boldness. If you can believe that God has blessed you, you have to believe that he has blessed others, which means that you can gain something from being in their vicinity. And I did a poll the other day, which is actually what gave me the desire to do this podcast. And it was a poll talking about a Bible study that I've been doing with my friends for a few months now. We do it every Wednesday. We go through a book. We have actually been on James for a hot minute because we do not have structured Bible studies. But there is no way to do a Bible study. We can do it as strict or as lenient as we want. We are reading the Word, we are discussing it and it turns into other godly conversations. Sharing advice, opening up about things. And I'm okay with the pace and it's been great. But I did an Instagram story on it on the Less of Me podcast. Instagram. And I said, do you have Christian friends? Yes. No. Almost 50% of you said that you don't have Christian friends, but you would like Christian friends, but you don't have them. It interests me. Why? Why is that? In our arguably most impressionable years, we are not rooted in a good community of like minded people. It is the prime years that unbelievers have their best days. Their biggest group of friends, their most sociable time of their life is in teenage to mid-20s, where you can go clubbing, you can go drinking, you've got that independence, but you haven't got that risk factor. There's a level of what I do today doesn't impact me tomorrow. So in the world, there's not really much of a problem with getting connected with people. But why is it on the flip side that as believers, almost 50% of my followers say that they don't have Christian friends? And I want to preface by saying that I understand that it is just genuinely hard. You may have different circumstances to me in the sense of not many churches around you. The churches that there are maybe don't have young people in them. I can understand if there are young people, but you don't feel settled in the church. I can understand all of these different things, but I'm going to go through a few things that I have encountered and I know that this is common for a lot of people. First things first. Church. Are you in a church? If you want to meet Christian people, you, you can't, you can't stay away from church. It's just the reality is the modern way that Christians have designed for us to be in close proximity in relationship and fellowship, going through life, navigating challenges as a body. I am the first person to say that churchianity is probably hands down the worst thing that we have done as believers. This legalism, this sense of serving in church, in the four walls of the church, is the only valued way of serving all of those things. I'm going to be the first girl to tell you that that is completely toxic. But I will also be the first person to tell you that whilst I'm of knowledge of those things, I can't lose hope and run away from the very thing that can be a core foundation of my faith. Don't do this whingy. I don't have Christian friends. If on Sunday your butt is still in bed, where else are you going to find them? In a world that is so worldly, it's very unlikely you're just going to walk past a Christian on the street, have some wisdom, attend a church. Second of all, it's not just the fact that you don't go to church, it's the fact that you are anywhere but church. You are mingling, making friends, meeting people in everywhere but the church, meaning that you are distracted by worldly friendships to the point where church isn't your priority. Oh, should I drop my non Christian friends? Absolutely not. But should those non Christian friends be at the root of what you call True, guided, wise counsel. Absolutely not. If you are among your non Christian friends more than your Christian friends, you will become affirmative and a yes man to the things of your non Christian friends. You will no longer be a light, but their light will shine brighter than yours. You will not be a disciple, but they will be discipling you. They'll be discipling you into their worldly attitudes, their worldly mindsets. And you will then be confused as to why you're drawing further away from God. And it's hard. You know, it's hard. I know. Especially because I said a lot of you guys might be at that teenage, all the way to mid-20s demographic where friends popularity is important and drawing away from that is uncomfortable. I'm not saying you draw away from it to the point where you drop friends altogether. I don't know where that narrative comes from. The only time I would tell you to drop a friend would be if they don't have a respect for your faith. I've got some great non Christian friends who respect me and we have stayed friends for years. And now the way that we hang out, the way that we talk is of a way that respects my boundaries. We're not gonna hang out at a bar. We're not gonna go clubbing at night. Clubbing, period. That, that ain't master, girl. I, I don't, I don't go clubbing. I go jump up and down at church, yes, but I don't go clubbing. So it means that we're doing different things that suit what I'm comfortable with. So it means coming around for a movie night and having pizza. It means going out and doing fun activities. It means going and meeting for coffee. And let me tell you something, that has only become easier when I had other friends to lean on who didn't see clubbing as the norm, didn't see certain behaviors as the norm. Which meant that I wasn't getting fomo because the FOMO that I experienced before I had any Christian friends, my goodness gracious me. It meant that I did end up going to certain things that I probably shouldn't have went to. It meant that I was drinking more than I should have. It meant that I was engaging in conversations that I shouldn't have been engaging with. It meant that my overall Persona and attitude was looking exactly like them. People would have been shocked if I said that I'm a follower of Jesus Christ with what I was wearing, with what I was saying, where I was, who I was talking to. It only became something that was easier to grapple with when I had a social life that existed outside of people that did those things. And that started with church. That started with being in different atmospheres where following and serving God and relentlessly pursuing his righteousness was the norm. So when I was around my friends who weren't Christian, I was able to be a light, and I was able to not be caught up in their lifestyle, feeling temptation towards it, because I had my homegirls at church who I knew that I could hang around with, who I knew that I could be challenged as well. And then the last thing in terms of why. Why do you not have Christian friends? Would be, you are in church. You say, I'm in church, but I'm still not finding friends. You're in church, but you're not in church. When I joined my church that I'm a part of now two years ago, I felt called by God the moment I walked in. But I found it really hard to make friends. Even though it was a really small church, even though people made effort with me, even though I saw some people that I wanted to be friends with, I felt like we could connect, but I still found it hard to be friends with them or have the courage to go up to them. That was because there was a part of me who was still not all in. Why was I leaving church five minutes after the service ended? Why was I not going up to people and asking for their name and saying hi and having small talk? I know it's awkward, but it's needed. Why was I not communicating on the group chats? Why was I. Where did. Why did it take me so long to join it? First of all, I don't even know what it was. It's just this level of pride in me that didn't want to get involved, that felt like maybe it was gonna feel cynical. And this kind of leads on to the third and final point of this episode, which is the whole concept of, like, fake or forced Christian circles. I don't know about you guys, but it almost seems like in a lot of church Christian circles, there's this whole idea of we are all Christian, which means that we are all best friends. And that's why I titled this episode how to find Christian friends you actually like. And we've, you know, gone around the whole point of, A, you need to have Christian friends, period. B, you aren't in the places to find the Christian friends. Oh, but, Elodie, now I'm in the place to find Christian friends, but I feel like it's forced or I'm worried that it's going to be forced. And I feel like there's this whole aura of I just got to suck it up and be friends with people who I don't really, like, bond with. There's not that level of, like, friendship chemistry. For me, becoming a new Christian, there was this whole idea of, like, I'm gonna have to drop having a friend who I genuinely love spending time with. And, like, I can laugh with, I can hang out with, I can feel 100% comfortable with, I can open up to them. I'm gonna have to drop that because there aren't people like me in church. So there's still going to be a level of loneliness. You know, first of all, that's literally everything but the truth. I thought that for a while, but I began to connect with people in my church, mutual friends, whatever, realized that there are people who I genuinely connect with. Yes, Christ is a number one identifier, but let's not be dumb. Christians still have personalities. There are still going to be people who you are drawn to more than others because of their personality, because of their humor, because of certain hobbies, and that is completely okay. Culture being another one completely okay. And I think that's a good thing. I think it's a good thing that we can actually realize, okay, there is a person who is like me, but has God and can relate to me about my worldly experiences. But bring it back to the foot of the cross, and there's such a freedom that comes with that. When you really find that there are differences in the church and it's not what you think in the sense of, I'm going to join a church and everyone's going to be churchified, robotic, no personality, if that is like it where you are. I don't like to tell anyone to leave their church because I think that being in church is important. But if you feel convicted that people just don't get you and they don't want to get you, I'm not saying that people have to look like you, be like you, act like you have the same hobbies as you, Yes, I am blessed to have that, and I really pray that you find that, too. But I'm not going to tell you to leave your church if that aspect isn't there right now. And I'm going to go on to another part. But if you feel as though people are simply robotic in your church, I don't know what to say to you. Me and Naz have had this conversation so many times about when people become Christian, they all of a sudden don't have a personality that is not what God intended. God wants to use your natural humor, personality, interests, hobbies, talents for the glory of him. And I also think there's a level of I can speak to certain people and relate to them and bring them to an understanding of God in a way that someone else might not. And that's what say, that person lacks skills or ability, but then they are able to relate to other people in a way that I cannot. I remember even my friend at church, she was saying to me how she's really excited for when Naz joins our church because we are in need of more black men, more young black men to be of a role model to the younger black men in the church. Because Naz will have an experience that others might not have. And there's also a level of, oh, Naz is a young black guy, he dresses similar to me, he understands my lingo, he understands my heritage, he knows the struggles that I might face A, as a man, but B, as a black man. And he is still in full obedience to Christ and not letting that identity stop him from clutching to the true identity that is him being a child of God. Because there's a level of pride, I think, that comes in, which is why we, we need diverse leaders in the church. Because I was talking to my friend yesterday when we went out for food and we were talking about friendships and I was saying, you know, in college I had one white friend, literally one, and my whole life was surrounded by black people, black friends, black culture, black music, black food, blackity, black, black everything. So entering church where the. In where I'm from, most churches are predominantly white. There are a lot of mixed cultures. Even my church is very mixed cultured. But it's like ran by white people and it is a British church, so it's British influences. And there's nothing wrong with that. Like, let me just say there's nothing wrong with that. But it took me having to readjust my mentality to say there is still something that I can relate to with these people, even outside of we are followers of Christ. Because that was what I started with. Oh, I guess we're all Christians, so, like, it'll be fine. But no, like, there are still genuine relationships and genuine conversations that I can have that isn't surrounded by, we're in a church service or in a Bible study. This particular friend, she is 10 years older than me and she is a white girl. She is completely outside of who I would have become friends with. If we weren't in church, we probably never would have crossed paths and I would have missed out on one of the best friendships I've ever had because I said, oh, my blackness provides more identity than my relationship with God. Which means that I can't be friends with someone like that. Or I can be friends with her, but I'm not going to go too far and she'll, she'll never get me. There's a lot of different things, a lot of crossovers that me and her have. And yes, whilst I said at the beginning, it is great when you can meet people who have a similar background to you and don't give up on that hope that those people exist in church, but if you have that as your sole pursuit in Christian friends, you will miss out on the people who look nothing like you but could be an amazing lifelong friend. You will set yourself up for failure if you say that everyone has to be a carbon copy of you and you set yourself up for failure when you say no one will be like you. Do you know how prideful that is? And it's almost like you'll use that as a one off exception as to why you aren't in church. Because no one's like me. So that's why I'm not going. Huh? How, first of all, how do you know that? Second of all, why do you count yourself as the exception to the rule when there is no biblical scripture to back that up? And are you saying that your way of life and your way of personality is better than others, which means that you can't. Ugh, I'm not going to sit with people like that. I'm not going to go to a church that is a different culture to me, has different people to me, girl, that we, we have to reframe our minds when it comes to the body of Christ. The body of Christ is different. So yeah, I'm gonna leave it there. And I pray that this convicted you. I pray that it gave you a better understanding of Christian friends. It might not have been the answer that you guys wanted. I think this was more of a conviction rather than a step by step. But I think it's needed. Like, I don't like to dance around subjects and make and come up with a resolution that's not practical, nor is it edifying long term because I could have sat here and I could have been like, oh, we'll go to churches that are like, people are like you. Yes, you might end up in a church like that, but are you going to feel the Holy Spirit. If you don't, girl, go the other way. Because there are a lot of other churches I could have ended up in who did have a lot more people who were so say, like me. But did I feel led to go there? No. I ended up in a small little church with a few people in its congregation, surrounded by, yes, a mixture of cultures, but majority white people. And I love it. And my faith has grown in a way that it may have not grown if I chose something material over just simply connecting with God and following his will and being a light wherever he sends me. But, yeah, I love you guys. I pray that this was encouraging. I pray that it gave you a better understanding of how God sees relationships and maybe what might be getting in the way of you making those relationships. We're all guilty of it. Don't shame yourself, but reconcile, make an effort with that friend who you think might not be a friend. And they very much might be one of your best friends ever. But, yeah, I love you guys. I pray you have a blessed week, and I will see you guys in the next episode. Bye.